Should you hold out on intimacy?

The age old question of should you engage or not engage in a premarital sexual relationship has plagued minds and egos for years. It is interesting to note that although a biological necessity the context of sex has taken on a role as an indicator of relationship sustainability and fulfillment.

A cross-sectional study performed by the School of Family Life at Brigham Young provided some very tantalizing details. The study itself included 10,932

unmarried individuals whom self-reported that they were in a committed serious-relationships or being engaged to their partner. They all were asked to take the RELATE instrument. The “RELATE” instrument is a lengthy questionnaire used by the RELATE INSTITUTE whose goal is to improve the quality of couple’s relationships.  After all data was recorded the participants were then separated into four distinct groups: Those who waited at least a few weeks before having sex , those who had sex on the first date or within a few weeks , those who had sex prior to the first date, and those who abstained from sex all together. The research suggested that those who participated in early sexual timing had higher tendencies of negative relationship outcomes compared to those who abstained. Specifically, those who had engaged in sexual activity soon reported less satisfaction, stability, and positive communication.  It is important to note that one belief that rallies some to be proponents of sexual relations as soon as possible is that sexual compatibility is a major criteria that had to be met, however this was found to be false.  In the study there was “ no evidence to suggest it helped a relationship in any way” (Willoughby 2014).  Now all of this may seem obvious, but to fully understand a relationships dynamics one must dive deeper to find the essence of the problem. That way, a couple can implement corrective behavior for their unions survival if they so choose to.   

The essence of the problem that one theory postulates is the expected vs reality rewards. It can be argued that rewards and expectations are essentially   the very basic commodity that drives every choice, every thought, and every action.  When those who engage in early sexual activity interpret there actual sexual reward vs the expectations (frequency, emotional reciprocation, and actions) they find that they are not equally on the same level, the satisfaction declines, and by extension so does the relationship. This is in contrast to those who wait or abstained all together as not much an emphasis is placed on that sexual reward. It was also postulated in the study that “overtime sexual desire and intimacy decrease as the length of the relationship increase” (Willoughby 2014). This could be why those who placed other aspects of a relationship equally as high were better formulated as a couple to remain satisfied with what each other had to offer as far as fulfillment.

Like everything in life there are exceptions. One size does not fit all and sexual intimacy is but one of many aspects that must be evaluated in order to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship.  It is important to have open communication from the start so that the foundation of the relationship is strong and each has realistic expectations of each other. Still as the research suggests sexual activity deserves the meticulous soul searching it sometimes gets so as to make the wisest long-term choice.

Willoughby, B. M. (2014). Differing Relationship Outcomes When Sex Happens Before, On, or After First Dates. Journal Of Sex Research, 51(1), 52-61